Obama Saves Captain Phillips from Pirates!

The President is indeed a hero. While circling the globe building much needed unity among all nations, and restoring the almost-unrestorable reputation of the US at the same time, and while saving his country and the rest of the world from economic Armageddon, Obama managed to shoot three Somali pirates simultaneously at exactly the right moment, freeing Captain Richard Phillips.

Earlier news reports mistakenly identified Navy Seals as the recue heros, and Captain Phillips as a hero for his willingness to exchange his life for the safety of his ship and crew.

Asked how, given his peace-loving ways, he was able to make the difficult decision to take another human life, Obama responded: "That was difficult at first. As you know, I'm a praying man. You have probably seen pictures of me at various churches, at the Wailing Wall in The Holy Land, praying, praying, praying. So I did what the American people elected me to do: I prayed. As I was praying, Rahm came to me and said, 'Mr. President, I have a strategy: think of these as very late term unwanted pregnancies.' After that it was easy. I just thought of them as fetuses, and I chose to abort them! Rahm has signed off on this, so it's all legal."