Thursday, March 19, 2009

wen2ben: pwn3d!

Wen Jiabao and His Shadow

Big shots in China state, for publication, that they're nervous about holding so much US debt (if I recall, that's money we sent them for cheap toys and electronics but that's beside the point) and less than a week later, the Fed announces its plan to buy a third of a trillion dollars in bonds.

The Chairman of The Federal Reserve

Bloomberg attributed the "bold plan" to the "Rambo Fed." Oh, Ben, you're so decisive with that dragon on your back.

We attribute it to something more like China whining about being short on cash and insinuating it might have to dump some bonds since the US isn't buying all its crap anymore.

Madame Secretary
But the plot is actually a bit thicker than even this. Recall, if you will, that our illustrious and capable Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, recently visited China. Right after all this TARP nonsense was OK'd by congress, as a matter of fact. Recall that it was on this visit of urgent state business that Mrs. Clinton made her famous [we paraphrase] "civil rights matter, but money matters more" declaration, something that might come to be known as the Clinton Doctrine.

It might be best to dramatize what likely went on during that meeting with an account of a telephone conversation, that might be "fake but accurate," or not.

[Madame Secretary and The Premiere (and, presumably, his shadow) are tossing back Mai Tai's or whatever they drink on the shores of pristine mountain lakes in China. In a synagogue in a tony suburb of Boston, a cellphone buzzes.]

Chairman Bernanke: "Madame Secretary, I'm meeting with my rebbe. I cannot talk to you now."

Madame Secretary: "Benjamin, shut up and listen. Wen needs some money, and can't be bothered with that little snot Timothy Geithner. What we can do for him?"

Chairman Bernanke: "Madame Secretary, I've already told you, we don't have enough TARP funds as it is --

Rebbe: "Benjamin, the time!"

Premiere Wen overhears and begins to protest, pushing his lips tightly together to keep his mouthful of Mai Tai in his mouth. The outburst sounds like a man being electrocuted while humming.

Madame Secretary: "Benjamin, if Mr. Wen starts selling his Treasuries, the collapse of the financial system will be all your fault. Surely you know how hard it will be for you to find work..."

Chairman Bernanke [resignedly]: "I get the picture. What do you want me to do, Madame Secretary?"

Madame Sec: "That's better. Let's say we set aside a third of a trillion -- how's that, Wen? [looking at Wen, who nods vigourously] -- right, a third. Mr. Wen will do some footstomping for the Times, so you'll have your cover. Wait a few days, then announce your bold and brilliant plan. You'll look like a hero, I promise."

Chairman Bernanke: "Yes, Madame Secretary."

Buy! Buy! Buy!

Madame Sec [winking at The Premiere]: "...And then, Chairman, you get in there and buy! buy! buy! Just like Trading Places! [voice becoming animated] You buy some muthahf*ckin' bonds [standing, swinging her fists, and spilling her Mai Tai all over a shocked and disgusted Premiere] and rip out the throats of those shorts, you hear me!! Oh! I'd better let George know...adios, Benjamin" [Click.]


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